Mine and no one elses ~ My life is my own and I am trying to make a difference in this world. 

Today was not the greatest day ~ everything was blurry and I had a fierce headache all day long. I was reading up on the daily news on line and a headline caught my eye.

"NEW X-FILES MOVIE COMING SOON"

I couldn't believe my blurry eyes ~ so I searched for more news articles with the same announcement ~

The "X-Files" movie is finally out there

The truth is out there! I had almost given up hope that Mulder and Scully might be reunited again. They are supposed to start filming as early as November 2007 with a movie release date of Summer 2008.

Just this morning, I was reading E's blog and she had an X-Files link to illustrate the song "Joy To The World" ~ funny compilation of Mulder and Scully. Syncronistic? You bet ~ E and I are both X-Files nuts! When I got hooked on the X-Files the show had been running for 3 seasons already. I was a little skeptical with themes thick with little green men, government conspiracies and of course a healthy dose of really bizzare plot lines. What drew me in was the univesal theme that there is something bigger than ourselves out there. 
 
I loved the banter between Mulder and Scully ~ the dreamer and the scientist ~ hunches and facts. The connection between the two is electric and most of all ~ they make me laugh! I haven't been this excited about a movie since Return of the King!

Maybe there is hope...

I WANT TO BELIEVE!

This moment, this breath of air that courses through my body ~ it's all I have for this moment. Life is too short to waste one breath.  Live for the moment ~ embarass yourself for love, put aside your pride and do something a little crazy. 

I had just gotten into my car that was parked on the third floor of the parking garage across from my office. The sky had turned to grey and I could hear thunder rumbling in the distance. The air felt heavy and there was a feeling of electricity in the air.

My hover craft was making it's way down the garage to the exit when I saw something very large in front of me. As I looked in amazement, there was a very large red tailed hawk standing it's ground with it newly killed supper gripped tightly in it's talons. We exchanged glances at one another. He was hell bent on getting out of that garage with it's supper in tow ~ he was facing his giant. He tried to take flight as I slowed down and drove slowly around him, but his kill kept coming out of his claws. I fought the urge to pull my car over and get out. I wanted to make sure that he got out of the garage without getting run over. I felt instantly protective of brother hawk.

I would like to think that we both learned something from one another today. I learned to expect the unexpected and I hope that he learned that he can stare down a car and have his dinner, too.

Just this week, I have come to the realization that I am in a state of massive withdrawal! SERIOUSLY! No ~ maybe I am in mourning ~ where have all of the familiar faces gone? McDreamy, Meredith, Bailey, George ~ Allison and Joe ~ Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Desmond, Hurley. Charlie ~ The Walker Clan ~ Men In Trees ~ Ugly Betty ~ Liz Lemon & Jack Donaghy ~ Claire, Hiro, the Patrelli brothers, Parkman ~ Pam, Jim, Dwight, Michael ~ Grissom & Sidle ~ SERIOUSLY!

I am awestruck by how much time I spend getting to know all of the characters in the shows I watch, but then again, all of this abuse of the DVR has been quite therapeutic for me. Since I found out that my Brain Tail has moved into my spinal column ~ it has occupied my every waking and sleeping thought. I don't enjoy being so in tuned with myself ~ so self absorbed in every physical symptom caused by said Brain Tail. Escapism has been my ticket away from myself, if just for a couple of hours ~ let's call it 'self medication'. It's a good coping mechanism so I don't drive myself completely coo coo! But what in the world am I going to do while my TV friends are on their summer vacations????

We are moving in 14 days ~ maybe I should use my new free time to throw some stuff in boxes ~ brilliant idea. But SERIOUSLY, I feel as if my TV friends are actually my friends. How sad it that?!? I tune in each week to see what kind of decisions they are going to make, how they are going to embarrass themselves, how will they resolve conflicts ~ good stuff ~ Maybe I will spend more time blogging this summer ~ anything to keep my mind off the waiting game with impending surgeries.

So ~ what do you think? Have I been wasting time or has it been time well wasted?

firststeps

Throughout my life, I have been faced with tough decisions.  Some have been easier to make than others.  I am a Libra and I have an extremely hard time making decisions.  Shopping at the grocery store can sometimes been down right unbearable ~ there are way too many salad dressings to choose from! 

When I have a gut feeling about something, I make a decision almost too quickly, but if I know in my heart what the right decision is, I don't need to weigh the pros and cons.   About three weeks ago, I found out that my brilliant neurosurgeon thinks I need three surgeries.  They are on the table, glaring at me, and it's my decision to choose when and which ones I want to do.  As you can probably imagine, this decision is going to take a while.  It's not about a gut feeling ~ we are talking about brain and spinal surgeries.  Life and death.

I have been pretty even keeled on making my list of pros and cons ~ but have been praying that the answer will be revealed to me sooner than later.  The agony of the weight on my shoulders in making the decision to take that first step has been painful ~ both physically and emotionally.  For the first time in my life I have had to think about compiling my will.  Not such a happy thought, but it's reality in raw form. 

Anyway, today, I feel great relief ~ I have made a decision ~ to go ahead and get the first of the three surgeries done this fall

 firststeps.  For the first time in months I feel impowered and perhaps a little courageous.  A quote from Robert Frost comes to mind:

"The best way out is always through."

So ~ I am headed through ~ wish me a safe journey ~

I heard this song on the radio and it gently reminded me that no matter how alone I might feel at times, I am never alone.

Never Alone by Jim Brickman
(Feat. Lady Antebellum & Hillary Scott)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Chorus:
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Well I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Chorus

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Last night, around 7:30pm, I had just gotten off the phone with my Mom. She was giving me the latest update on my sister's labor progress or lack thereof. Things were progressing at a snails pace ~ I was really torn ~ wanting to be there with her, but knowing there was nothing I could do to make the journey to motherhood easier.

All of my life, nature has spoken to me when I needed a sign that God was totally in charge of the situation. I turned my gaze upon the back yard and low and behold, I found myself staring back at a beautiful male cardinal. He sang his song and looked right back at me. I knew in that moment that everything was going to be ok. Then, a song came on the radio ~ with these lyrics:

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

How appropriate and true these words were! This morning I became an aunt and very soon I will meet my nephew!

Sometimes, I stop just long enough to quiet the chaos in my head and think about things that matter.  Society has a way of shaping us, demanding that we fit into a certain mold in society.  However, I have found through experience that no matter what kind of mold I am trying to fit into, when events in my life have shaken the very core of  my being, I have found that that  there is no mold to fit into anymore. I am blazing my own trail, my own path. 

This can be exciting and very frightening at the same time.  I have lived my life as a fighter, someone who has refused to let the tragic events in my life define me. Instead, I have stared my obstacles in the face and have shown them that instead of breaking me down, they have made me stronger! 

Now, I am facing the latest Goliath in my life ~ my own brain is failing me by falling out of it's designated place in my head.  With cancer, it's labled as bad ~ doctors try to remove what is bad.  With my situation, it's hard to loathe something that can't be removed, it's a part of me.   The plan is to give my sliding cerebellum more room to hang out.  Of course, I am going through a life review as I contemplate the possibility of death during the rehab of my skull.  Will I let this define me or will I let brain surgery make me a stronger, more resilient, caring person? Time will reveal all ~

I have had several wondrous encounters with nature, but one stands out the most. When I was in high school, my room was on the second story of our home and I had the most amazing view of the city.  In the springtime, when the air was still filled with cool breezes before the oppressive Texas summer heat set in, I would keep my window open all day long. 

One afternoon, I was on my way up the stairs to me room when I heard a buzzing sound.  Now at the time, I was really afraid of locusts and bees ~ from the sound of it ~ I had one of the two buzzing around in my room.  As my eyes began to focus and hone in on the intruder in my room, much to my surprise, the creature was neither of my nemeses! There was a hummingbird trapped and he was desperately trying to get back outside.  He kept slamming his tiny little body against the window.  Finally, as I stood watching, the humming bird rested for a while on the window sill.

I slowly approached him and put my index finger below his little belly and he hopped on my finger.  He was so light, I could barely tell that he was standing on my finger! I carefully moved my finger down off the sill and through the open window.  As soon as the air hit the bird's wings, he chirped and flew away.